Summer's Lavender (13831)

Remember the smell of 
Last summer's lavender?
The violet that shined
The wind blew across the vein 
In the golden morning glory
The window took the light
When we woke up to our eyes
I picked up an angel
From the wide wide garden behind
And all I had
Was to run. To run across 
The shelter line
Run! Run the untold memories of mine
Never remind the sweetness of the wine
Nor the countless rust
I shall bury them in the dusty grave 
To wake up and leaving yesterday

Now you know, now you know
All I had was the lone 
Summer's lavender

Friday's Evening Rain of Heart

A thousand year has passed, guess my mind has rusted out of staying in this terribly busy city. Running out of time and interest, my life has a huge turn-to-left sign. I mean, everybody does anyway, leaving a comfortable life you used to. Fighting is a good thing, but frankly speaking, it is extremely tiring. Great thing about life is, I am still breathing, appreciate it.

      Mind blew when I first came here, a total different culture and attitude of citizens are carrying, made a big shock to me. Know what? I was almost collapse. Anyway went through a lot of "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" incidents and I managed to survive for as long here. When people intends to bring you down, be tough and show them who you are as a lone ranger. (I wish you were here)

      Started a new life in this big city, I had to make a hard choice, a hard decision, in which I struggled in between "brain and heart", a war, a world war inside. How to choose? I wouldn't want to give up on you, you know that. You know that aren't you? So I tried my best to pull us closer, I did anything possible, anything I could. All because I was still believing that nothing could separate us as long as we hold each other tightly, but distance proved I was wrong, totally wrong from the beginning. And I kept fighting, fighting alone when you didn't, I was tired but I wouldn't give up, hope and prayers are my weapons. Well, a "ha-ha-ha..." for myself, I should had laughed at silly me. At this moment, I don't know if it has come to the end, I am tired spiritually, heart gets colder when we were disappointed again and again. Fuck retarded love, fuck relation'shit'.

      And now I have to make the choice, to choose if I should stay or to go away, I guess time will give me an accurate answer, maybe. And they said, if two persons are meant to be together, they will no matter how long, a life time perhaps? Or else, I will just keep my heart inside the jar, not to be found not to be realized, learn to live half a life, alone, alone, and chilling soul icy cold.  

      Round a round, we came to like how we were at the beginning, strangers. I wished I didn't even know you, maybe I could survive better in the loneliness, with a job, and a dog, in the city, and the night that never sleeps. 

      Ow, it is raining out there, it is like lavender falling from the grey sky, crystal clear lavender I could smell the blueness in the air. Ahh, a cup of hot tea I should, join me? 

201314.

Now here is how I'm going to start my year. Make a wish and live my life. And wondering hows life going to continue without you. I was craving for love. Something no one would understand how it comes and how it goes away. Something like magic, appearing its strange phenomenon right when the love hormones are working in your body, like the fireworks in the new year night sky. After crowds and loud, men are going back for sleep. And I have been thinking should I do the same thing, celebrating my life everyday, every night. For sure it would be fun, forever. But is it meaningful for me? 
     Senior citizens were less in the new year eve countdown, for sure I was not there. A 21 years old man would not celebrate the new year in the crowd? Alcohol and cigarette maybe? That's what makes me happy at once after you left me. Yeah the world is so full of miserable peoples not less of me. Partying every night partying with alcohol and get drunk, but partying loneliness inside each of us. No one will understand unless you experienced it. Like somehow, I'm trying to forget the pain using alcohol, trying to forget your face by blurring my vision with those smoke. Back to the story, no one seems to care why you were drinking like a baby hungering of milk, no one really cares as they only want to have fun and just dance the whole night in the loudest bass ever. Was not it the greatest night ever?
     But after all, I have to face myself when the sun rises, after each and every lonely night I was thinking of you, shielding my own world, falling my own tears, you would never know, I bet. Every morning I wake up, it seems to have been a decade you weren't here. And every night before I sleep, you come haunting my mind, my broken heart. How could you? I thought you were gone, gone forever, maybe like I was in you. But I was wrong, I tried to fill my life with crazy bitchy busy work, and it works, for a minute. And when I got my self back in silence, you came. Hugging my loneliness, I was just alone. And they said, the strongest people doesn't cry in front of everyone, that's why I cried alone at night, and smile every morning everyday.
     And here, this new year, I am without you for 78 days. I won't tell you how much I miss you all these while. You are going for your new life, me too, I guess. I will always be right here loving you, thinking of you, and you are always inside my frozen heart. Pages I would have kept inside forever, those days with you.
    Blessed new year, readers. 

     201314.